this pattern is this (a-dolf)

i watch the tv static for a pattern. an answer to my problems.
slowly a face emerges out of the scrambling dots and horrid screeching.

hitler

gimme a CUT

cornelius is here

David: Cornelius, are you there?

no answer

David: Who would ever read this?
Cornelius: I’m not there.
Adelle Kuntz: I just noticed some video you made is tagged as a video of me. Can you un-tag me because I can't find a way to delete it from my page?
David: Okay, but you'll still be tagged in spirit... Oh, yeah, and you're name's still in it lol :)
Adelle Kuntz: Ha! I didn't even realize I was mentioned. Never watched past the first min. lol.
David: Yeah, not many people ever watch/listen to/read the things I create anyway.
Sherry Nelson: Well as long as you keep thinking that's a talent, I don't see why you're complaining. :)
David: I love you more :D

NO LETTER AT THIS TIME

attached is this book

dear sherry,
    attached is this book

dear sherry,
    i don’t feel i owe you any apology.

dear sherry,
    i’m sorry for this book.

dear alice,
    i’m sorry i fucked you.

i fucked up

but then i fucked her.

    the identity shifted.
       
        and i became what i always was.

we’re all inflated by time and the time we realize that S/HE is come is the time that we will finally be able to die. for 21 years i have been trying to die with no success. some people were just meant to be dying for eternity and never actually reach their goal of the afterlife or whatever may be beyond.

ETERNAL DEATH

THROUGH

LIVING

she was in my hands, my face, my penis. i had burned her kiss into my breath and snorted her ashes into my lungs, forever cursing myself to speak about her this way.

    but god help me if S/HE ever reads this for then I am doomed.
    maybe.
    or she will dismiss me like she always has done.

“i just wanted to have sex with you.”

    then david should never have fallen in love.

FAIL

failure is like being eunuchified repeatedly, ad nauseum, until my face becomes a vagina. then i am forced to have sex with my own amputated genitals. very unpleasant thing, i must say.

“Listen to me, bitch! I’m Charlie Kaufman!”

who is this jacob steep?
    the male part of the nilotic.
that’s all?
    yeah, I guess.
what’s his relationship to alice?
    they were lovers.
oh really?
    mm-hmm.
i think you have your facts mixed up.
    what do you mean?
first off: which one is real, alice or jacob?
    REAL? what?
which one is an ACTUAL person?
   

this is REAL

alice and jacob
sherry and david

what about the nilotic?
    i dunno. he’s just a lonely fucker.



                who is this oscar rosas?

i wanted her in my backpack

there she was, lying on the couch, dozing like a late-nite college student. i looked at her over my shoulder as danny and i were about to leave the digital garage at flashpoinT.

    she’s cute, i remember saying.
    yeah, danny replied, why don’t you go molest her?
    do you know what her name is?
    sherry, i think.

i wanted her in my backpack.

significance equals what?

THIS DVD WAS PURPOSELY BURNED WITH BAD SECTORS

have we ever died?

CUT

THREE-WAY SECTOR

I sat back up onto the couch between the two naked girls. As I sat down, with my dick still in my bloody hand, their legs opened up like creaking doors. As soon their vaginas came into view, blood started to pour from their creases. Their necks split open and heads fell back like hinges. Crimson poured down like waterfalls as their heads finally snapped off and rolled off of the couch. I remember that I was completely naked by this point and still jerking off with ALICE’s blood. Almost to the point of climax, the headless whores suddenly went down on me. It was almost too much for one man to handle. When the moment came for the sudden blast, I looked deep into ALICE’s dead eyes but no longer saw any trace of SHERRY in them. I came to the surface as she bled out below the ground.

COCAINE/OR SECTOR

I pulled a small bag of cocaine out of my pocket and proceeded to pour a line into the crook of ALICE’s collar bone. Rolling up a dollar bill, I began to notice figures emerging from the shadows. These forms had already been there, I just had subconsciously decided they wouldn’t be there during my moment of loneliness. Just me and the body. But not anymore. I was at a party and the other guests were starting to take form in my periphery. They all had some sort of alcoholic drink in their hand and were swaying to some almost indecipherable beat. I placed the dollar between my nostril and the line of coke on her collar bone. As I sniffed the line, two girls appeared behind me on the couch: one on each cushion on either side of the middle one. They were naked with their legs closed. I put the dollar back in my pocket and undid the button on my pants. Slowly I unzipped my fly then slid my hand into my boxers and wrapped my fingers around the cock inside. Suddenly I pulled my penis out of hiding but let it go and dipped my hand into the opening of ALICE’s chest. I began to masturbate with the blood as lubricant.

LONER SECTOR

I was at this party right, and it was intense, right. See what had happened was that I was sitting on this couch, right. You know what I’m sayin? And I was completely alone in this apartment on this couch save for the female body laying in front of me on the floor. So pretty much, right, what this apartment consisted of was a wooden floor, a couch against one wall and all the windows covered by thick curtains. Below my feet, on the floor, was the dead body of ALICE. She had been gutted with a bowie knife. Blood ran out of her giant gash all over the wooden floor. I sat on the middle cushion of the couch and looked down at the body, trying to remember what I had done. Impulsively I pulled myself off of the couch and kneeled next to ALICE’s dead form.

september 11

2001: the tOWers fell

what does sherry have in common with alice?

i remember vividly [this] like it was yesterday:

who is alice?

OSCAR’s room is small with just a twin bed, a bookshelf, and a desk for his computer. he is sitting at his desk on his computer. clicking the mouse like a pro, he looks at the screen.

i sit on the edge of the bed writing in my notebook.

    oscar: more ALICE shit again?  dude, S/HE fucked you up.
    me: yeah...

oscar --- swivels to look at me NOW! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSHHHHHHHH

i look up

    oscar: who is ALICE?
    me: she’s the KING.
    oscar: who is ALICE?
    me: she is the DREAMCHILD.
    oscar: who is ALICE?
    me: she’s a tiny BOIGIRL who i made love to.
    oscar: who is ALICE?
    me: my OPPRESSOR.
    oscar: who is ALICE?
    me: my EXECUTIONER.
    oscar: who is ALICE?
    me: <I DONT FUCKING KNOW>

CUT

parking lot level one

part one: my struggle




over black. we see nothing.

all that can be heard is a woman moaning in pain. we hear her scream as only afterwards a dull thud of a punch is heard repeatedly as if an mp3 is accidentally looped on quicktime player. i’m the one with the fist.

                 - i told you not to fucking scream - (peace) (peace) (peace)

and then there’s crying. oh my god, the crying. so much fucking crying on my hands. all the hands on me: groping, poking, stroking. this is death.

INFORMATION BLOCKED BY FORCE

PLEASE OPEN YOUR EYES NOW. if you would. i implore you all to look around the room and experience the space as i once experienced it. a small one room apartment which used to be a hotel room. there’s a bathroom off one side of the room and a tiny-ass kitchen off the other side. this is the abode of alice, my one-time lover. my eternal lover.

messy. like a boyish-girly college student would keep it. cothes and drug paraphernalia. you will see it. you will hear it. you will taste it. and you will experience it like you were there yourself.

we are both here. myself (one form of david, jacob, or the nilotic) and alice. both naked. both on the floor. i am on top of alice’s small form and i am penetrating her repeatedly without apology. i’m pretty sure this is what they call rape. one detail is that i’m holding her arms down above her head. pinned to the foor like jesus’s nails.
                female vaginal suffocation

ALICE is 22 but looks like she is 12. five foot zero. ninety-five pounds. her tiny tits sport perky nipples that bounce as I fuck her soul savagely. her D&G glasses seem a bit too big for her face and she is crying behind them.

                           - i told you not to fucking make any noise - (love) (love) (love)


duct tape
    2 tha
                side of me

deck ----her her her
in the face.   *blood*
and punishment for shrieking slap tape over hur mouth.
            rape her mercilessly. please. i beg you this.

then, stopping for a second, i look lovingly into her eyes and lean down for a kiss over the tape.

- i love you alice -

CUT

titles

im with alice



by jacob steep, david sherry, & the nilotic

TRANSLATED BY CORNELIUS TROWMAN






part 1: my struggle